I had an uncle who passed away back in November and just recently we had a memorial service for him.
I had a Goodbye Dream with my Uncle in it recently. You can read about it here: https://guidedbyspiritblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/20/the-goodbye-dream/0
While at this Memorial Service, (that was held in the banquet room at a golf course where he used to play golf in his younger years) I literally felt the energy of many of my relatives and people that I know shift negatively toward me as the day went on, and it started to feel real trippy.
In recent years, I have learned that I am an empath. An empath is highly sensitive to the emotional climate around them. Throw in the fact that there is family drama and I am also a gal who is trying to navigate her every expanding gifts and it turns into one heck of a cluster!
Let me fill in the back story for you.
In December, my husband, kids and I celebrated Christmas Eve at my Aunt’s house, (the sister-in-law to my Uncle who recently passed). At her house, things were fine for the most part, though this Aunt is known to be a pot-stirrer. And by fine, I mean that I dismissed side comments that I know where made about me when I’d leave a room and I ignored a look or glance that was given over my shoulder at times, but all-in-all, I let things roll off and I survived.
My deceased Uncle’s daughter Ann, (my cousin), shares the same Aunt referenced above. Her mother and my Aunt were sisters. This cousin now lives out-of-state and my relationship with this cousin took a one-eighty a few years ago. And truly, to this day, I have no idea what I did to piss her off. To attempt to salvage this relationship I even wrote her a letter once asking where our relationship went wrong and apologized for whatever it was that I did to upset her and asked her how I could fix it. (This was her que to either tell me that all is fine or to F-off, but I never heard a word from her. I still have a copy of the letter.) This cousin is close to my above mentioned Aunt and has a relationship with my Sister. (My sister who has a stronger relationship with my Cousin’s kids than what she does with mine.)
Now here in February, this Memorial Service rolls around. I feel somewhat relaxed knowing that I made it through Christmas Eve unscathed. I know walking in that there is friction with my cousin but knowing that this is a Memorial Service for her father, I know that I am going to be supportive and respectful so really, what could go wrong?!?!?!
As my husband, kids and I walked in, we said our hellos to my cousin and her family who were receiving people at the door. Then I made my way around the room and said my hellos to relatives including cousins, second cousins, friends of my cousin and family friends and neighbors of my Uncle. These people smiled, hugged me and said hi to me. Small talk here, small talk there… Until, oops!! I walk up to my Aunt (from Christmas Eve) and try to say hello and hug her. She turns sideways as I hug her and she starts to talk to someone else so I FIRST assumed that maybe I accidentally interrupted a conversation and just carried on.
Also before the service got started, I also connected with my Uncle’s neighbor. She is a boisterous Irish lady. She was really good friends with my Aunt (who has passed) and when I talk with her, I feel my Aunt’s presence. I felt the need to share bits and pieces of my “goodbye dream” with her. I asked her if she wanted to know what my Uncle looked like now that he passed. I told her that I had a dream recently. She said “sure” and I shared a few details with her. All felt fine.
Before the Service starts, I see my Aunt (from Christmas Eve) making her rounds to all of our relatives. I didn’t think anything of it. Though soon after I notice to the left of me, in the corner of the room, where a majority of the people I know are… The room seemed to grow colder, almost grayer…
The service starts and we all take our seats. People got up and went to the podium and told stories and memories about my Uncle. A few times I was tempted to get up and share my “goodbye dream” with the crowd. The coldness (emotionally, not temperature) from the corner of the room wasn’t helping. I even had head tingles which is validation for me, but at the end, I chickened out because I didn’t think that the idea of a “goodbye dream” would go over well with the entire crowd. (I later told my mother about the dream when we went to go out to eat after the service.)
As the stories started to wrap up, all of the guests in the room started to mingle. I made my way back to my Aunt who I saw at the beginning of the Service and she again starts walking off as I am trying to make small talk. I then start to approach some distant cousins, and a few of my Aunt’s sister-in-laws and suddenly I am getting half-cracked smiles, little eye contact and one answer responses to my questions. WTF??? Somebody pinch me! I am dreaming? It is though I am feeling their rumblings toward me, but yet nobody is saying anything. Very surreal. Very trippy!
I attempt once again to make my way over to my Aunt who is now sitting down at a table. Her son is getting married next year and I try to use the wedding as a conversation starter. As I start chatting (and notice the wide eyes of one of her sister-in-laws who is next to her) my Aunt gets up as she’s mid-sentence responding to me and walks away from me. I had to move aside to get out of the way for her.
At this point, it hits me. I’m not making up what I saw and felt when I first saw her. It also hits me that this is “the family tradition” (insert sarcasm) on this side of the family. The tradition that goes back to my great grandmother, my grandmother and her sister – my great aunt, and then down to my aunts and even cousins and second cousins. The tradition that SOMEONE is always on the out. THAT SOMEONE is the one who everyone critiques, picks apart and talks negatively about. THE SOMEONE who isn’t always invited to things. The SOMEONE who is the A$$shole – just because someone else decided. And as I let it resonate for a moment, I step back and look at other relatives and people in the room and realize that most of those who I know, have done a one-eighty toward me in the time I have been in the room with them as well. WTH?!?!!? At this point I give my husband the “it’s-time-to-circle-the-wagons-and-go” look so that we can gather up the kids and head out.
We go through the motions of saying our goodbyes to everyone. The final people we need to see before stepping out is my Cousin (the one who has the beef with me, but I am clueless as to what I have done). There were a few people ahead of us leaving so we had to wait for a few people ahead of us. And low and behold, as if I wasn’t beaten up enough I am next in line to say the goodbyes and my Cousin decides that she needs to excuse herself and use the ladies room. At this point, I see my mother have a look of shear surprise on her face, so I know that I have a witness to the crazy situation. Being the type of person that doesn’t like to back down easily, I waited a few minutes for my cousin to return and then when she didn’t in a few minutes I went in the ladies room myself. She then scurried back to the banquet room so I went back there made sure the kids and hubby where there and we said our goodbyes and were out of there. All the way home I kept playing the afternoon over and over in my head. At that point, between the adrenaline and lack of food, I felt a migraine kicking in.
A few weeks have passed since my uncle’s memorial service and I am still processing everything that happened. The range of emotions are crazy. I keep going back over the day and even the time between Christmas and the Memorial Service trying to figure out what I might have done or said to cause this. At the end of the day, I really don’t have any answers. I notice that by having the gifts that I have, that it feels strange picking up on all that I do. I have a lot of “pinch-me-I-must-be-making-this-up” moments. That is where the trippy part comes in. At the end of the day, I know what I am picking up on is real. It is just heartbreaking when the negativity is coming from people who are supposed to love and care about you. I have decided that in order to protect my “energy” and my emotions around extended family, “I am now down to weddings and funerals” for most.
The stories and topics that I share are as I have observed them, as I have lived them, and as they have happened to me, along my journey. They are not intended to hurt anybody and they are told as I have experienced them. I have also done my best to protect the identity of the subjects in my writings. If you find yourself reading something and suddenly question: “Is that about me?” If that is the case it probably is to some degree because there’s absolutely some kind of lesson in there for you.
If the topics or stories on my blog or in my other writings are not relatable to you, then it is not for you, at least not at this time. We are all in different places along our journeys. What resonates with some, won’t even touch on the surface for others.