Guilt That I Don’t Know What to do With This!

This is one of those moments that I feel good that I may have figured a little more of this gift out, but then I am really bothered by the fact that I don’t know how to use it or how to help with it.

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Well, here we go again. Today I have a morning where I am “vibrating” again. I even pass on coffee as I feel I can’t shake on the inside anymore. My heart was pounding, was dizzy. I prayed that I didn’t pass out in the shower and my kids would find me. I remember thinking: Will they even realize to call 911?? (We’ve gone through the drill many times!)

After the kids headed off to school, I headed to a friend’s house to help her and her family pack for what was an “unexpected” move, to those of us who thought we were close to her. (Not so unexpected to them.) I make it through the packing ok. Maybe because I am distracted by the work that needed to be done, or maybe because I was getting good at “holding it together” in front of others.

I headed home a little before lunch and the vibrating, heart-pounding, dizziness thing started to happen again. I decided to ask out loud: “Please go away – I am not working right now. Also, please stop making me feel sick!” (Free will!) Soon after, it was like someone flipped the switch. The vibrating feeling on the inside of my body went away. My heart stopped pounding and the dizziness disappeared. I was drained, but the feelings were gone. I had a moment of normalcy.

Later that afternoon, after one of my children got off of the bus after school, he walks in the door and tells me that one of his buddies from the neighborhood who he hangs out with often, just had his 98-year old grandfather pass away. He also mentioned that the Grandfather was living with the boy and his family when he passed.

I processed this for a while trying to piece the puzzle of my day together.

The feelings and symptoms that I had been feeling….

The “turning it off and having it work for me earlier that afternoon…

The death that my child just informed me about….

One thing that popped into my head was the idea that the grandfather might possibly be trying to contact me. Technically, by proximity, I was the closet (and he probably thought the easiest) medium of contact that he could have used in the event that he needed help delivering a message to his family. I mean we are literally talking 5 houses down and over one….

This is one of those moments that I feel good that I may have figured a little more of this gift out, but then I am really bothered by the fact that I don’t know how to use it or how to help with it. Really a feeling of guilt like I mislead a spirit who thought that I could have helped. – MBH

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